Basically, all people have the need to be loved in 5 different ways. All 5 love languages are important for every human being, but one is your very personal “mother tongue”, that is, the language that is especially important to you, that you especially need.
Praise and recognition
While they are explained in detail, you can start thinking about which love language appeals to you the most.
Love language 1: Tenderness
Tenderness refers to any touch, any kiss. Every form of physical affection. Of course also sexuality, but not only sexuality.
Perhaps you know the study that Emperor Frederick II had conducted in the 12th century. He actually wanted to know what language people develop who are not spoken to. Babies were taken for this purpose, and they were only allowed to be fed and changed. The women were not allowed to speak to them or pet them or carry them around. However, the experiment had only one result: all the babies died.
No human being can cope without tenderness. And even if you are no longer a baby, of course, humans need touch and caresses. That gives us the feeling of being accepted. In addition, according to psychological studies, there is the so-called cuddle hormone oxytocin. It causes the stress hormone cortisol in our body to reduce, blood pressure to drop and our immune system to strengthen.
However, some people have a greater need for tenderness than others. For them, it is a proof of love if they are stroked a little in the evening on the sofa while watching TV or if they are hugged or kissed. For these people, tenderness means that the partner loves them. If the partner is sparing with tenderness, they feel rejected.
The small tendernesses of everyday life do not cost much, but build up your partner and strengthen the partnership immensely! What about when your partner is disappointed, sad, angry or in trouble? A hug means for your partner: I can let myself fall, I am safe.
Love language 2: Helpfulness
Helpfulness means, I do my partner a favor because he is so important to me. I help him, am there for him, take work off his hands.
Let’s face it, nobody likes to be alone with their task. Everyone loves it when their partner helps them with housework, cooking, with the kids, around the house, on the computer, at work, etc.
And these are often the little things like taking out the trash, fueling the car on the road, leaving the sink neat, mowing the lawn, setting up the new cell phone.
It is important that we help our partner not only in the initial infatuation phase. Am I still there for my partner after the first years of marriage? Or does one of us always have to take care of everything at the end because the partner is so busy at work?
So, open your eyes and see where I can do something good for my partner.
Love language 3: Praise and recognition
Isn’t it true that we all grew a bit when we heard “You did a great job” from our parents as children? Everyone loves to be told something nice. Mark Twain, the author of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn, is reported to have once said, “I can live on a nice compliment for 2 months!”
In surveys of workers, 9 out of 10 said they would like more recognition. But it’s the same in our non-work lives: We desire recognition. We wish to be seen. In psychology, it is believed that recognition is almost as important as food and drink.
It’s about saying that to the person you love. This works simply by saying the things you think:
“Wow, you look really great today!”
“So your Chinese food is the best in the world!”
“You’re really fun to talk to all night!”
“Awesome game today!”
“Thanks for helping me out, it meant a lot!”
Say the things you like about your partner: what do you love them for? What do you think is especially great about him today? What is he especially good at? What qualities do you especially like? What behavior do you admire in him?
However, praise and recognition do not only include the special things. Also the everyday. Do you thank your partner when he helps you? For example, when he gets something for you that you need, when he puts gas in your car or solves a computer problem for you. Or when he has organized something, a movie, a trip, a vacation. Saying thank you is really easy. You just have to remember!
And what about politeness in general? Are you annoyed when your partner is unpunctual? Does that make you rude? Do you try to teach him how to drive better? Or do you stay friendly and let your partner do it?
What comes out of our mouths determines the atmosphere.
Kindness, gratitude, a nice compliment.
Every person wants praise and recognition.
Love language 4: Focused attention
Focused attention is about partners spending time together where the focus is on the two of them. So, for example, a walk for two or a leisurely dinner. The togetherness should be such that the two give each other undivided attention. This does not work if other people are sitting at the table or you watch TV together.
It is often the case that couples in love often sit together and look at each other during the initial infatuation phase. They talk to each other, go for romantic walks. But after a few months, or at the latest when they are married, this quality time disappears.
It’s not about a dreamy scenario from the old movie Casablanca: “I’m looking at your eyes, little one!” It’s about attention: the two talk to each other about their day, about their worries, about their experiences, about their dreams. They listen to each other, ask questions, support, comfort, rejoice.
Go out for ice cream together, sit in a café for half an hour, have dinner together without watching TV. Or take a trip together. Go away for the weekend. Just the two of you.
There are many families who always spend their annual vacation with other people. At first, this sounds very social-interactive, and it seems like it would be more fun than being out as a couple or just with the kids. But that’s deceptive! Because the time you spend alone with your spouse always looks very different from the time you spend with others. And after all, you’re not married to the others, you’re married to your spouse. So use at least one vacation a year for you alone as a family. If you don’t have children yet, do it as a married couple.
Time you give to your spouse is a precious commodity. Be truly aware of the value of this time. If you go out for coffee with your partner for half an hour, no one can take that time away from you. Make a regular, preferably weekly, couple’s night out together. Maybe go out to dinner together. Especially if you already have young children, this special couple time is extremely important, because focused attention doesn’t happen on the side.
By the way, the cell phone is playing an increasingly important role here: while until 10 years ago it was considered rude to answer your cell phone during a conversation or at the dinner table, today cell phones are ubiquitous. People not only look at it constantly, they also answer messages while you’re having a meeting together.
According to studies, extremely many people feel more and more rejected by this constant disturbance of the cell phone. In couples, feelings of loneliness and rejection even arise when one of the two partners keeps looking at his or her cell phone.
Imagine: You’re sitting with your partner, both cell phones are on the table, and a message comes in. You probably don’t even have to imagine this, because it’s common now. Change it, talk to your partner about when to put the smartphone away. And do it in such a way that it no longer distracts you. Of course, this costs a lot, but the injuries and disappointments in your partnership are by far more costly.
Put your phone on silent and put it in your pocket.
As a couple, get into the habit of giving your partner your undivided attention again!
Love language 5: Gifts
Gifts as love language does not mean “the more expensive the more love”. No! It’s about gifts that come from the heart. Strangely enough, in all cultures of the world gifts are part of partnership. It is considered natural to give something to the person you love! As I said, it is not about the price. It is about the thought. It’s about the fact that one person thought of the other when they were out and about. So, the next time you’re filling up at a gas station, and you think of your partner, why not bring a surprise egg for the chocolate lover, or a magazine about your partner’s hobby. If you’re passing a strawberry patch, pick up a bowl of strawberries or stop at the hardware store because your partner could use a new tool.
Gifts are a visible sign of your love for your partner.
And you can also act as a gift yourself. Let’s say your partner is in the hospital, then the bouquet of flowers may be quite wonderful, but the time you give your partner at the bedside is an even greater gift. Or if you invite your partner on an outing or to dinner at your favorite restaurant.
Gifts are an expression that you thought about your partner, that they are important to you and that you made an effort to organize a gift.
Every person needs all 5 love languages, but one love language is his or her so-called mother tongue.
If now especially this most important love language is missing in your life, then your very personal love tank runs empty and you feel unloved and rejected.
How do you find out your personal love language?
Perhaps you have already sensed while reading what appeals to you the most. Most of the time it is exactly what you like to do for your partner.
For example, if you often bring gifts to your partner, then gifts are probably your personal love language. Your partner, on the other hand, may say, “That’s great, again you spent money. It would be more important to me if you would take some time for me, then I would feel more loved.”
Then his love language is obviously not gifts, but focused attention.
Or you always want to cuddle with your partner, but he says, “You don’t really love me at all, you always just want the one!”
Then he has a completely different love language than you. Yours, however, is obviously “tenderness.” You still have to find out his.
In order to really communicate to your partner that you love him, you need to know his love language. And he needs to know about your love language. Talk about what are the 5 languages of love and find out both your love languages! It will revolutionize your relationship! Promise!