In the first part we introduced the 5 love languages from Gary Chapman.
For more infomations read:
Gary Chapman: The 5 Languages of Love
Words of affirmation
Isn’t it the case that we have all grown a bit when we heard from our parents as children that “You did a great job”? Everyone loves it when they get something nice said.
Mark Twain, the author of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn, is said to have once said: “I can live 2 months on a nice compliment!”
In employee surveys, 9 out of 10 people indicated that they would like more affirmation. But it’s the same in normal life. We want affirmation. We wish to be seen. In psychology it is assumed that affirmation is almost as important as eating and drinking.
It’s about telling the person you love that you love him. It’s easy by saying the things you think about:
“Wow, you look really great today!”
“So your Chinese food is the best in the world!”
“It’s really fun talking to you all night!”
“Brilliant game today!”
“Thank you for helping me, it meant a lot to me!”
–Say the things you like about your partner.
–What do you love him for?
–What do you think is so great about him today?
–What does he do particularly well?
–Which qualities do you like best?
–What behavior do you admire in him?
However, affirmation does not only include something special. Even the everyday.
Do you thank your partner when he helps you? Like, if he got you something you need. Or if he filled up your car. Or if he solves a computer problem for you. Or if he has organized something, cinema, trip, vacation. Saying thank you is really easy. All you have to do is think about it!
And what about courtesy in general?
Are you annoyed if your partner’s late? Are you going to be rude? Or do you want to teach him how to drive better?
What comes out of our mouth is definitely the atmosphere. Friendliness, gratitude, a nice compliment.
Everyone wants affirmation.
Physical touch means every touch, every kiss. Any form of physical attention. Of course, but not just sexuality.
Maybe you know the study Emperor Frederick II had carried out in the 12th century. He actually wanted to know which language people develop who are not spoken to. For this purpose babies were taken, which were only allowed to be fed and wrapped. The women were not allowed to talk to them or pet them or carry them around. However, the experiment brought only one result: Without affection no human being can exist, all babies died.
Without tenderness no man can get along. And even if you’re not a baby anymore, people need touch and cuddles. That gives us acceptance. According to psychological studies, there is also the so-called cuddly hormone oxytocin. It reduces the stress hormone cortisol in our body, lowers blood pressure and strengthens our immune system.
However, some people have a greater need for tenderness than others. For them, it is a token of their love when they are stroked on the sofa in the evening while watching TV, or when they are hugged or kissed. For these people, it means their partner loves them. When they are not touched a lot from their partner, they feel rejected.
The little tenderness of everyday life doesn’t cost much, but it builds up your partner and strengthens the partnership immensely!
What are you doing when your partner is disappointed or sad or in trouble? A hug means something to your partner: I can drop myself, I’m safe.
Acts of service
Acts of service means I’m doing my partner a favor because he’s so important to me. I help him, I’m there for him, I do his job.
Let’s face it, nobody likes to be alone with his job. Everyone loves it when their partner helps them with the housework, cooking, with the children, in the house, at the computer, at work, etc.
And these are often the little things like taking out garbage, filling up the car on the way, leaving the sink tidy, mowing the lawn, setting up the new mobile phone.
It is important that we help the partner not only in the first phase of infatuation. Am I still there for my partner after the first few years of marriage? Or does someone always have to take care of everything in the end because the partner is sooo busy at work?
So open your eyes and see where you can do something good for your partner.
Quality time is about the partners spending time together, in which the two are in the centre of attention. For example a walk for two or a cosy dinner. The togetherness should be designed in such a way that the two pay each other undivided attention.
That doesn’t work when other people are sitting at the table or watching TV together.
During the first phase of falling in love it is often the case that couples sit together and look at each other. But already after some months or at the latest when they are married, this quality time disappears.
It’s not about a dreamy scenario from the old movie Casablanca: “Here’s looking at you, kid!”
It’s about attention: the two of them talk about their day, about their worries, about their experiences, about their dreams. They listen to each other, ask questions, support, comfort, rejoice.
Eat ice cream together, sit in a café for half an hour, have dinner together without watching TV. Or take a trip together. Go out at the weekend. Just the two of you.
There are many families who spend their annual vacation always with other people. At first this sounds very social-interactive and it seems as if it would be more fun than being on the road in twos or just with the children. But that’s deceptive! Because the time you spend alone with your spouse is always quite different from the time you spend with others. And finally, you’re not married to the others, but to your spouse.
Time you give your partner is a valuable commodity. Probably one of the most valuable.
In a park in San Francisco you can find the following offer on weekends: There are single people sitting on a chair with the sign: “Free listening”. I.e. you can sit down with one of these people and they will listen to you for half an hour when you tell them about your life. In front of these people, long lines form!
How sad is that? But if you have a partner, you should really be aware of the value of this time.
If you go for half an hour with your partner to have a coffee, then nobody can take this time anymore.
Regularly, preferably weekly, make up a couple’s evening together. Go to dinner together, especially if you already have small children. Quality time does not arise incidentally.
By the way, mobile phones are playing an increasingly important role here: Whereas until 10 years ago it was considered impolite to answer a mobile phone in a conversation or at the dining table, today mobile phones are everywhere. People not only look at it all the time, they also answer messages while you have a meeting together.
According to studies, extremely many people feel more and more rejected by this constant disruption of the mobile phone. Couples even experience feelings of loneliness and rejection when one of the two partners looks at his mobile phone from time to time.
Imagine that: You sit with your partner, both cell phones are on the table, and a message comes. You probably don’t even have to imagine it, because it’s now common practice. Change it, talk to your partner about when to put the phone away. And in a way that won’t distract you anymore. Of course this costs a lot, but the injuries and disappointments in your partnership are far more costly.
Turn the phone to mute and put it in your pocket.
As a couple, get used to giving your partner undivided attention again!
Gifts as a language of love does not mean: “The more expensive the more love”. No! It’s about gifts that come from the heart.
Gifts belong to partnerships in all cultures of the world. It is taken for granted to give something to the person you love!
As I said, it’s not the price that counts. It’s about the thought that one was thinking about the other while he was on the road. So the next time you refuel at a gas station and think about your partner, why not bring a Kinder Surprise Egg for the chocolate lover or a magazine about your partner’s hobby. If you pass a strawberry field, bring a bowl of strawberries with you or stop at a hardware store because your partner could use a new tool.
Gifts are a visible sign of your love for your partner.
And you can also act as a gift yourself. Let’s say your partner is in hospital, then the bouquet of flowers may be wonderful, but the time you give your partner at the bedside is an even greater gift.
Or when you give your partner an excursion or an invitation to your favourite restaurant.
Gifts are an expression that you have thought of your partner, that he is important to you and that you have made an effort to organize a gift.