Values are our compass
Values are the things you live your life by. Your personal compass, your beliefs. The values of your life are what you consider to be right and good and desirable.
There is a great long list of terms that are called values in our society. But which values are your personal ones is up to you.
A person’s personal values develop over a longer period of time.
Your values probably have their roots in your family, but also in important people and role models you have met in your life.
When you are a believer, values are often a result of your faith. But even if you don’t call yourself a believer, your values may be exactly the same.
- Here are a few examples of values:
- Loyalty, integrity, reliability,
- Friendliness, team spirit, trust,
- Justice, responsibility, passion,
- Compassion, courage, optimism,
- Punctuality, freedom, fun
There are also negative values such as power, fear, dependence or laziness. We assume here that such terms do not appear in your list, but if they do, you should exchange very intensively in your partnership.
What’s your reading?
Since you orientate your whole life according to your values, it is good when you become aware of which values you have at all.
On the other hand, it is important for your partnership and your future together if you know each other’s values.
Imagine marrying a person and only then finding out that your partner has a completely different attitude to loyalty than you? Or honesty?
And since our values are our compass, they also influence our attitudes towards marriage, children and child rearing.
Unfortunately, there are far too many examples in which exactly this happens: The two lovers marry and after a few years find that they do not share basic convictions at all.
Then the husband may reproach his wife because she never wants to have fun and is afraid of parties. The woman, on the other hand, prefers peace and creativity and prefers to visit museums, which the man finds totally boring.
Or control and thrift are important to the man, but the woman loves adventure, freedom and courage. Then they both get real problems planning their vacation.
Of course, a good common basis can still be created, but it definitely costs a lot more work.
Couples in love have it easier in the early days of their relationship. Why? Quite simply: In the infatuation phase, i.e. in the first 1 to 3 years, each of the partners has a much greater willingness to approach the other.
But no matter where you are in the relationship, work to find a common value base for your relationship.
You should first become aware of which values are most important to you in your life.
Task 1: Find out your values
Make yourself a list, which 5 values are particularly important to you?
What would you least want to do without? What terms come to mind when you think about what is really important to you?
If it is difficult for you to create such a list alone, then take a list of defined values from the internet and always juxtapose 2 with each other. It’s called the contest of values. Do this until there are only 5 values left. You’ll end up with the values that shape your life.
Okay, once you’ve made that list, you can ask others:
Hey, what two values do you spontaneously think of when you think of me? Of course, there could be more.
Ask those who know you well. Your partner, parents, friends, brothers and sisters
Task 2: What are the values of your partner?
Now you should both exchange your values with each other. Talk about your values.
Why are they so important to you?
Where did you get those beliefs.
Task 3: What should be the most important values in our partnership/marriage/family?
Now you should both agree which should be the most important values for your relationship. You could randomly combine the values like dice and consider whether a value would win, or you could make a long list of your values and then sort which ones would need to be in the first 5 places.
It must be clear to you that very few people like to step back and let the other take the lead. If you discuss your values, it’ll be similar.
Attention also with the fact that not one person completely goes down. This can happen when one partner believes he has to meet the other partner and thinks his conviction may not be so important. That’s a bad way to go. If a partner gives up, your relationship won’t be able to handle it. Talk, talk, talk!
Speak, discuss, clarify together!