Part 3: The Midlife Crisis
My husband and I are celebrating our silver wedding anniversary this year. I can’t say for sure if we’ve been through the midlife crisis completely, but I’ve had a few years of experience. Also in the coaching of other couples.
Actually, I always thought the midlife crisis was somehow not real and just met some funny people.
I’m afraid I’ve been taught otherwise.
For many people, the middle age brings with it a lot of changes. Crisis or no crisis.
I’ve learned a lot in the last few years:
a. Hormones have more influence than you think.
b. Even men and women who live 100% in their calling and are part of a happy family can fall into a deep hole.
c. The midlife crisis can only be shortened to a limited extent.
So now we are faced with some very different challenges than before.
Relationship killer No. 1: The idea that love never changes
As could already be seen in the first two parts, love is not static. Couples in their first love feel their love differently than couples after 10 or 30 years of marriage. That’s not a rating. All phases of life have great advantages and equally great challenges. And I think that’s God’s plan!
It only becomes problematic when we believe that after 25 years of marriage we still have the same butterflies as during the first rendezvous. After a long time the spouses know each other very well. They know about all their strengths and weaknesses. And they have already overcome many crises. The familiarity of older couples is unbeatable.
Of course, the surprise effect is no longer so strong. And of course, many romantic charms are no longer so great. And that’s where the problem is. If we watch Hollywood movies, it seems as if the passion must remain unstoppable until death. And if it didn’t, I’d have to find a new.
The deceptive thing is that I know many people who have looked around for this passion in a new partner, and after a maximum of 3 years they stood at the same point as in the previous relationship.
Look at the strengths of your age and your relationship and do not believe the lie “new game new luck”.
Relationship killer No. 2: Impatience
If your partner is in the midlife crisis, you can only have patience.
Surely there are millions of different forms. And it is also different for women and men. But no matter whether you are confronted with self-pity, excessive demands or even depression, you need patience.
The hormonal changes will end.
(And when it gets too exhausting: Today hormone therapies are rated very positively. And they really help. I’ve seen it in my case!)
Relationship killer No. 3: Everyone goes his own way
The middle age is a time of realignment for your marriage. The kids are all getting out of the house. And if they don’t move out, they won’t need you anymore. They’re building their own lives.
Many couples fall into a deep hole during this phase. The meaning of life of the last decades is disappearing.
What now is important that the couple reorient themselves together. I know couples who started a self-catering farm in the second half of life. Others have changed professionally and have gone abroad together for a few years. Others have revived their passion for culture and visit every museum on the world. Still others found a new company together.
The main thing is that you have a common vision. Otherwise the two drifted apart faster than in any other phases of life.
Relationship killer No. 4: The idea: Everything stays the way it is
Women have apparently been given an inner urge by God to keep the family together. Women are those who make sure that the family eats together, talks to each other, goes on holiday together and goes on excursions.
In midlife, it seems that this urge is diminishing. My councelor once explained it this way: We women could never let go of our children if we were not changed by God in the middle of life.
This means that this change is positive. What is problematic, however, is that from this time on women will no longer hold the family together as they did before. Men should become aware of this, they must take countermeasures and take on this responsibility themselves.
Relationship killer No.5: Missing communication
And as with any other phase of marriage, communication is vital for survival. Talk about your phase of life, about the changes that are happening, about the new possibilities that are opening up, about new dreams, about changing sexuality…
Set up a breakfast or coffee and don’t think you already know everything about the other. Too much is changing at the Moment.