Problem 1: Your partner doesn’t trust you because you don’t trust him.
Trust and honesty is a cycle. If you don’t trust, your partner can’t trust you either. And if your partner doesn’t trust you, you won’t trust him either.
You will only break this cycle if one of you is ready to go into battle. If one of you is willing to get hurt.
Just like Mother Teresa suggested.
(in Part 1: If you give your best to the world, you could get hurt. Give the world your best anyway. Mother Teresa)
Trust and secrets
And this trust can only be gained through honesty. Don’t keep secrets from each other. Be honest with each other.
What doesn’t work at all is lying to your partner.
And please, no little cheating. Cheating means you’re lying, that’s the way it is.
Even the little secrets that supposedly spice up the relationship are not a spice to make the relationship taste better. Little secrets are like a virus, category Ebola virus. This disease is fatal in 25 to 90 % of cases.
Don’t keep secrets from each other.
Only honesty can build a lasting, stable and above all happy marriage.
If you think you can avoid injuries by just not trusting anyone, I have to say this:
You may not get hurt, but you never get happy.
Do you know the saying “If I give you a finger, you’ll take the whole arm”?
It’s similar in the partnership. All you have to do is stretch out your little finger of trust, your partner will be so enthusiastic that he will give his whole arm to you.
Problem 2: Your partner doesn’t trust you because you really weren’t honest and abused his trust. And vice versa.
Okay, what if you or your partner have already abused each other’s trust?
Wow, this isn’t easy. Because this is exactly what I just described. You open your heart. When someone tramples on it, it’s very difficult to process.
Still, you should talk about it. Putting the cards on the table. Don’t hide anything. Speak out your hurt feelings and thoughts. Please don’t think: My partner will already know what I think.
No way! He cannot know that!
Say: Why did this happen, how did it happen? Is the partner really sorry? Is he asking for forgiveness? Has it happened for the first time or repeatedly? How are you, how should you proceed now? What if that happens again?
Borders and NoGos
Ultimately, you will have to personally clarify with yourself which things fall into an area with which you cannot live at all. Even if your partner asks you for forgiveness. Check these things out with each other. Drawing lines: What are no-go’s in our relationship? What can’t you live with?
And when such a line is crossed, it depends whether you are already married or not.
If you are not married, realize that you are free to decide now.
Let’s say your partner cheated on you with someone else. You’re not married! Imagine what happens when you get married, and he does it again. Because one thing must be clear to you: When you are married, many things become clearer and safer and more beautiful. But there’ll be trouble, if you have massive breaches of trust before marriage, maybe think about consequences.
If you’re already married, things will change. You can’t go straight to an abuse of trust. My advice: Seek advice that you can both trust, perhaps a couple in the church. The requests for forgiveness and repentance are of course assumed!
Either way: You need patience!
Problem 3: Your partner does not trust you because he has had bad experiences before. And vice versa!
But maybe you have already brought the bad experiences into your relationship. I.e. the partner is actually innocent. Maybe you or your partner were always honest in the previous relationship and it was exploited. Your secrets later everyone knew, or your partner used the confidential information to harm you. You’ve been betrayed, or worse, abused.
Once someone has had a bad experience, it will take them quite a while to trust again.
Imagine a big bowl of water. Once someone has drilled it, you can fill the top with water as much as you want, you first have to plug the hole. In my experience, only God can completely restore my ability to trust.
But in any case you need a lot of patience and a lot of conversation.
If you’re the injured one, you should jump in the cold water. Try to give your partner a leap of faith. Ultimately, everything in a partnership depends on trust.